Izzy Kalman
Director of Bullies to Buddies · School psychologist & psychotherapist
Izzy Kalman is a school psychologist and psychotherapist who has practiced since 1978 and, since the 1999 Columbine shooting, has been one of the most persistent critics of the mainstream anti-bullying movement. He is the director of Bullies to Buddies, author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends, and writes the Psychology Today blog Resilience to Bullying.
Reviewed July 2026Israel "Izzy" Kalman, MS, is a school psychologist and psychotherapist who has practiced since 1978. Working in schools, he found that the most common complaint among kids was being picked on, and that the standard adult response, stepping in to judge and punish, almost always made the conflict worse. After the 1999 Columbine shooting, when a new anti-bullying field promised to eliminate bullies, he became one of its earliest and most persistent critics, arguing it institutionalized the very responses that escalate conflict and trained a generation toward fragility and a victim mindset.
As director of Bullies to Buddies and creator of the Golden Rule System, his alternative teaches children how not to be a victim by treating the Golden Rule as applied psychology: because people are biologically wired for reciprocity, responding to meanness with calm good humor removes its payoff and defuses it. He is the author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends and lead author of the Be Strong Resilience Program, and he writes the Psychology Today blog Resilience to Bullying. His work has been featured in The New York Times, on Good Morning America, and at TEDx, and his resources live at izzykalman.com and bullies2buddies.com.
On episode 40 of The Ryan Vet Show, Izzy Kalman argues that a generation of well-intentioned anti-bullying policy did the opposite of what it promised. His claim is that the zero-tolerance approach that took hold after Columbine institutionalized the very responses that escalate conflict, having authorities judge who is the bully and punish them, and in doing so pushed children toward an external locus of control, fragility, and a victim mindset that follows them into adulthood. Rather than argue his alternative, Kalman proves it live, walking Ryan Vet through the insult game to show that the Golden Rule works not as a moral platitude but as applied psychology, because humans are wired for reciprocity. The conversation connects to Ryan Vet's ongoing work on generational formation, tracing how policy aimed at millennials and Gen Z shaped the way both cohorts carry conflict, responsibility, and resilience into work and adult life. It closes on Kalman's reframe that the bully is not them, it is us.
The bullies are not them, they're us.
The way to solve the bullying problem is by teaching kids how not to be a victim.
To have a successful and happy life, you have to have an internal locus of control.
Who is Izzy Kalman?
Izzy Kalman is a school psychologist and psychotherapist who has practiced since 1978 and, since the 1999 Columbine shooting, has been one of the most persistent critics of the mainstream anti-bullying movement. He is the director of Bullies to Buddies, author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends, and writes the Psychology Today blog Resilience to Bullying.
What does Izzy Kalman say is wrong with anti-bullying programs?
He argues that having schools and authorities identify a bully, judge who is right, and punish tends to escalate conflict, and that it trains children toward an external locus of control and a victim mindset. His alternative teaches kids how not to be a victim.
What is the insult game?
It is a role-play Kalman uses to show that reciprocity, not authority, ends conflict: the target stays calm and even agreeable while being insulted, which removes the insulter's payoff and makes the insults stop.
What is locus of control?
Locus of control is whether you believe what happens to you is caused by your own actions (internal) or by outside forces (external). Kalman says an internal locus of control predicts a happier, more successful life, and that anti-bullying culture pushed kids toward the external kind.
Read the thinking behind every episode.
Join 23,000+ leaders reading Every Tuesday at 4pm ET.
Check your inbox to confirm. The next COLLIDE lands Every Tuesday at 4pm ET.
